ZIP YOUR LIP
OR WHAT NOT TO SAY TO THE CAREGIVER.
And if one does say these things, no matter how the Caregiver actually responds, this is what they can’t help but be thinking.
People say the strangest things when they don’t know what to say. And even odder things when they are trying to add wisdom to a situation of which they know not.
There are times when a person insists on knowing what’s been going on with getting any kind of Assistance (physical, financial, emotional). The lack of assistance for the Elderly in this Country is definitely a topic for another time. But saying,
“Have you tried calling ‘La Di Da’ Agency? I saw the facility on TV, and it looked interesting.” Is not particularly helpful, because I’m thinking…
Yes, I’ve called ‘La Di Da’ Agency and every other Agency in the state. I have spent hours on the phone, and I have no desire to recount any of this useless information to you!
“I really hope that you get some rest this weekend!”
That is my personal least favorite. And so, the thoughts in my head sound a lot like this,
“Weekend? Are you serious? Saturday is just another day in my world with the work week that has no end. And do you have any flipping idea what the definition of rest actually is? I CAN NEVER GET ANY REST!”
I’m not sure if these people are genuinely trying to be helpful or just making relevant conversation by saying things like,
“My insurance pays for ‘blah blah blah’. Have you looked into her insurance?”
No, I’m a blooming idiot. Like that wasn’t the first phone call that I made!
“When my Cousin’s Boyfriend’s Sister was a Caregiver, she said…”
That would be hearsay, immaterial and totally irrelevant! As Perry Mason would say!
It is amazing the unsolicited advice that you receive—from people who do not have a clue what you are going through.
And in addition to those people, there is my Mother who often says,
“I have made an appointment to do something totally unnecessary that you don’t like to do at the most inconvenient time that I could arrange.”
Who do you think that you are? And more importantly, who do you think that I am?
Sometimes even the most casual of conversations can seem un-nerving to the Caregiver. For instance,
“There is this Series that you simply have to watch on Netflix. There are 3 Seasons now and I think you’ll love it.”
Binge watch a Season—when exactly.
“Just let me know a day and a time when we can get together.”
It’s pretty much either “now” or “not now” but actually making and keeping a plan that doesn’t involve my Mother is not easily possible.
I typically respond by simply saying, “OK, I will.”
Then there are the supportive people who read the Blog and say things like,
“Your story about “Flushable Wipes” is hilarious.” Although I did notice recently that my Cousin quickly added, “It sucks for you, but it is funny.”
To which I had to laugh and agree that from his perspective it was amusing.
And the mere mention of a vacation such as,
“I’m going to Mexico!”
Feels like a knife has just been stabbed in my back and then twisted. Mexico is one of my favorite places in the world.
It’s no one’s fault. It’s just that if you’re not in the situation or one very similar it is extremely difficult to understand. And it’s even harder to know what to say to the Caregiver. Especially if the Caregiver is a friend whose spirited conversations you have come to expect and appreciate, because those conversations are now sadly few and far between.
As a Caregiver, I miss the talks I used to have too. Now I don’t even want to talk to me on the phone!
I very rarely speak the words that go through the corners of my mind aloud. Yet sometimes they pound in my head from ear to ear and escape my lips even when I don’t mean for them to do so.
Then there is the person pretending to be concerned by saying,
“You know in these situations; the Caregiver often dies first.”
Seriously. WTF!! That particular negative gem of wisdom came from a relative to whom I try desperately not to speak to often.
The moral of this story is, “when in conversation with a Caregiver, resist the urge to offer unsolicited and generally unhelpful advice or opinions—keep them to yourself and just listen.”
Remember, the Caregiver carries a Conscience and it’s a heavy load.
“A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE”
A Caregiver’s Conscience – YouTube
“THE PODCAST”
Hope it’s alright to say “well written!” Is that alright to say? Well let me just add, if anyone doesn’t understand a caregivers conscience. Perhaps they have no conscience at all.
Though there are many laughs in your articles (which is just medicine for the soul). Truely it’s a hard job with an unseen reward.
For the Love of Christ, HELP!
Thank U for saying the right thing and for all the support that you give to this Caregiver!