POSTS

MAKING ME FEEL WORSE

April 16, 2025

YOU’RE MAKING ME FEEL WORSE

There are several things that people just shouldn’t say to Caregivers. Statements like, “Be sure to take some time for yourself,” or questions like, “What are your plans for the day?” are just things you shouldn’t say to a Caregiver.

I’ve tried to explain this to people, but I’ve just decided to give up. Then I realized something. I realized that some of those things don’t just make me angry, they actually make me feel worse.

For instance, I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. And so, when I hear, “Get some rest,” being uttered cheerfully on the other end of the phone, I can’t help but cringe. And then I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. No matter how hard I try, I am unable to get any rest. “Rest” is not something that happens because you lay down and try to get some sleep. So, I don’t get any rest. And whenever someone says, “Get some rest,” I wonder why I can’t.

And of course, I know that I should “take some time for myself.” People suggest that so earnestly that I believe they think that I am purposefully not taking any time out for me. I am honestly confused how or when I would be able to “take some time for myself.” But they say it with such conviction that I almost believe that having a 2-hour limit on the amount of time that I stay away from my Mother is my fault.

However, it’s a reality that I live with. Whenever I am away from my Mom for more than a couple of hours, something happens. She drops something, spills something or falls herself. She can’t be left alone for a short period of time. And from my point of view, the guilt I feel wondering what may be happening does not make the time away enjoyable.

As a Caregiver, I already carry so much guilt, anxiety and frustration that I really cannot take any more. The feelings that these comments and questions bring into my Caregiver’s Conscience are close to unbearable.

And consistently reminding me that my Brother is not assisting with Caregiving, really does nothing to lift my spirits. Seriously, don’t you think that if I could “make” my Brother give me a break, I would?

Some days, most days actually, I don’t have the energy to control the feelings that involuntarily enter my mind when someone mentions one of the dreaded statements.

And therefore, I end up feeling bad.

I feel as if I am letting myself down because I can’t figure out how to better take care of “me.”

I feel inadequate because surely, I should be able to manage the 24-7 job of Caregiving in a more timely manner. In a manner that would allow me to relax and just “chill.”

I am not a “woe is me” kind of person and I very rarely throw pity parties but…

But whenever anyone says:

“Get some rest!”

“Take some time out for yourself” or

“Can’t your Brother come and help?”

I want to hide in a chair facing the corner like a naughty little Caregiver.

Because surely a good Caregiver would be able to do those things.

And because it seems as if someone is always pointing out the things I’m doing wrong for myself, I feel worse.