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MAKING CAREGIVING MEMORIES

February 13, 2025February 13, 2025

DOING THE EXTRA STUFF

or…

MAKING MEMORIES

People sometimes say to me, “These years that you are your Mom’s Caregiver are the Best Years of Your Life!”

They are the same people who say, “High School is the best time of your life.” Or “Your College Years are the best four years of your life.”

Seriously? So, life ends at 18 or begins to turn for the worse at 22 years old? Their words were not true then and I’m not so sure that they are right about these Caregiving years.

But in an effort to aid the cause, I purposely and consciously try to make good memories with the Mother. I have to “try” because making memories falls into the category of “doing the extra stuff.” And I have found that Caregiving does not always allow the time, energy or the desire to “do the extra stuff.”

I originally thought that we, My Mother and I, could watch a movie together once a week. Kind of like a “Dinner and a Movie” date with my Mom. Well, my Mother’s favorite movies star Clint Eastwood and Sydney Poitier. I love classic movies; however, my faves are black and white flicks featuring Joan Crawford, Bette Davis and everything Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Plus, by the end of the week, the last thing that I need is the added pressure of preparing for “Dinner and a Movie.”

Sometimes, I attempt to initiate relaxing funny conversations or chats with my Mom. At which time she promptly pushes all my buttons and sends me out of the room sad, angry, frustrated or all of the above.

And although we have a great deal in common, we are so very different. My Mother loves Jazz. Before becoming her Caregiver, I actually created Jazz themed Birthday excursions for my Mom. On one occasion I obtained tickets for an Anniversary Edition of the Newport Jazz Festival. Attending the Jazz Festival was an annual event for my Mother; but because I’m a Classic Rock, Michael Jackson, Prince kind of girl, I had never attended. I thought that particular year would be special—something we could share and would always remember.

As you can imagine, the venue is spectacular—the grounds of a State Park on the water and the Artists performing were legendary. At least they were billed as legendary. The fans were relaxed, laying on blankets, drinking wine and sharing local food delights. The music was drifting through the air while the sun was shining brightly across the well-manicured lawn. I thought that this was the opportune time to catch my Mother up on my latest activities.

I had flown in for the Festival from Los Angeles for a much-needed break from the hectic pace of my life. And I was anxious to tell my Mom about all my travels and what was going on in my world. After about twenty minutes, she turned to me and said, “You’re very chatty and distracting me from the music!”

Really? There were no words to any of the songs and I considered the sounds very pleasant background music! I looked around and noticed the other people nodding their heads and a few others snapping their fingers but there did not seem to be any lively conversations. I decided to walk by the Ocean and talk to my friends on my cell phone accompanied by soft music. So much for my efforts—she actually said that I was too chatty!

So, neither the music thing nor the movie thing works for creating picture perfect memories.

My Mom also loves Theatre. I appreciate most plays but I’m not really into Musicals. We have a Holiday tradition of attending a performance of “A Christmas Carol” on stage. This tradition has carried over into these Caregiving years. And we also watch at least one rendition of the movie. My Mom’s preferred Scrooge is George C. Scott. I can and do watch all versions of “A Christmas Carol” every year; hence I know all the words.

My Mother is one of those Theatre people who prefer that the audience NOT voice the words along with the actors. And so, I don’t speak at the Theatre, but I do quote all the lines at home while watching the movies and the amused smirk on my Mother’s face. I guess I am a little chatty.

My Mother is still well respected in the Arts. She has been honored and celebrated for her work. She participates in an annual Poetry Reading which she created focusing on the works of the Award-winning author Langston Hughes. Each year she reads one of her favorite poems and since I have been her Caregiver, I too have been included as one of the readers. I do this in an effort to support her work and hopefully make her proud. This event is something we do together.

It’s an extra thing that creates a fond memory. And it’s easy for me because after all, I am a little chatty.

As a Caregiver, daily living does not often allow for “the extra stuff,” but is it “the extra stuff” that will make the memories that I will always remember?

I do believe that I will remember many aspects of Caregiving for my Mom as good times.

However…

My life didn’t end after High School, and I had great times after College. I know that the Best Years of My Life are in the Moment and Always Yet to Come.

Perhaps, simply Living Life can create memories without forcing “the extra stuff.”