LOSING MY MIND AT WITS END
Every once in a while, I feel as if being a Caregiver is costing me my sanity.
The past few days have been rough—really tough. I now fully understand the lyrics, “Cry me a River…” sung by both Ella Fitzgerald and Justin Timberlake, as I seem to have cried enough tears for at least a small creek.
Recently, I have been overcome with an overwhelming feeling. A feeling that on my last trip to Wits End, I lost my mind. It was probably about the time that I encountered the last straw.
Insanity has been described as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
So, I have been thinking…
Every day I muddle through performing various Caregiver duties to help my Mother fulfill her wish of remaining in her home. And every day at some point, my mind wanders, and I actually expect a tidbit of appreciation that never comes my way.
Most nights when I lay down to sleep, I anxiously await a restful night without a TV blaring all night long. And each morning I awaken to the joyful morning voices of the NBC Today Show cast.
Weekly, I look forward to a few uninterrupted moments with my own thoughts. Good thoughts of places to go and people to see. And now, more often than weekly, thoughts of my own have me wondering if I am losing my mind.
I am reminded of Hercule Poirot, a character imagined by the mystery writer Agatha Christie who is famous for saying, “It is the Brain, the little gray cells on which one must rely. One must seek the truth from within—not without.”
Therefore, in an attempt to do so (rely on my brain), I write in my journal, I do research for my projects, I study Classic Movies for inspiration—I exercise my brain in areas which help to hone my craft. I purposely attempt to think as a Writer and not as a Caregiver.
And I realize, I realize that if I can think this clearly, if I know that although I have these thoughts and feelings—they are not constant. If I do find myself in “a disordered state of mind,” I am probably just on my way to Wits End and I shall return.
The other day, when feeling particularly frustrated, I asked my Mother directly,
“Can’t you see that I am losing my mind?”
“Yes,” she replied simply as if it was a well-known fact.
“Then why won’t you help me save it!” I shouted, before leaving the house in tears.
“If I wasn’t already crazy, I just might go insane!” I thought to myself and then laughed.
“If we couldn’t laugh, we just would go insane. If we weren’t all crazy, we would go insane.” The words from a Jimmy Buffet song, “Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes.”
A songwriter wrote those words which means that I am not the first, only, or last person to have such a thought.
I will regain my sanity on my way back from Wits End. And I will withstand all the straws put upon my back until the next trip down the Creek, I’ve cried myself.
And I will repeat this behavior over and over again expecting that the results will be different. I will do this NOT because I am insane but because I Am a Caregiver!
Note:
Thank you for listening. No, I’m not further losing my mind, I am well aware that you have been reading. But in reading my words, you have essentially been listening to a Caregiver’s Conscience.
And now, I will consciously begin swimming up-stream. Because if I am going to lose my mind, I would prefer to leave it at some point in the future.
“A Caregiver’s Conscience”
JIMMY BUFFET
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