I WANT TO LIVE – THE CAREGIVER SCREAMS!
“I Want to Live!” is the title of a Classic 1958 Black & White movie starring Susan Hayward. It is based on the true story of Barbara Graham, a convicted felon sentenced to death in the Gas Chamber. A series of misguided associations and poor decisions led her to prison for the last time, convicted of a crime she may not have actually committed. Throughout the movie, the theme, “I want to live,” permeates the screen, all action and dialogue.
I may not be facing the Gas Chamber, but I do most definitely want to live!
As a Caregiver, I feel like I’m living someone else’s life and it is not a life that I have chosen. I often find myself wondering how it is exactly that I have ended up here although I am well aware of the circumstances and decisions that have led me here. The thing is almost all the situations and choices that have led me here are choices that my Mother has made—not me.
And as a result of the fact that my Mother did not have a viable plan for these years of her life, I am here pinch hitting. I am doing the absolute best that I can in an effort to make sure that these years are comfortable for her.
“For Her.” But seriously what about me?
I have plans. I have goals and dreams—things that I want to accomplish. I have places to go, people to see as the saying goes. You see, I did have a plan for these years of my life. And since I am single with no children, these plans were all about me! Sure, I had plans to participate in Family activities and to include my Family whenever possible in my plans but me as a Caregiver, living my life in order to dance attendance to my Mom was never a part of the plan.
I am frustrated. I am resentful. I am hurt. I am tired. I am afraid that I may never get back to my life! And I want to live!
I want to live a life that I love. I want to wake up in the morning looking forward to the day ahead. I want to go through the day on a cloud that I have chosen doing things that I want to do. Yes, there are always “ups and downs,” things that cannot be foreseen but I would like these things to be a result of my own decisions and actions. I want to end each day in peace, writing in my journal about my accomplishments and adventures. I want to drift off to sleep with dreams of my future (whatever may be) floating in my head.
As Susan Hayward in an Academy Award-winning performance, screams in the movie, “I Want to Live!” I am screaming at the top of my lungs without making a sound.
“I Want to Live!”
By the end of the movie, the viewer is rooting for her, cheering her on and hoping that she wins.
Barbara Graham was executed on June 3, 1955, in San Quentin, California. She was put to death after at least 3 stays of execution. She died the way that she lived—proud, confident, and stubborn.
There really is only one parallel between my life and that of the woman portrayed in the movie. It is simply this…
With every core of my being, with every wish that I make, with every breath that I take, I WANT TO LIVE!
I’d rather not be starring in this Caregiver Movie any longer.
I Want My Life Back!
I am silently screaming aloud. Can anybody hear me?
Yes we can hear you!!!