As a Caregiver, I am so Far Away…
Today I participated in a “Soup and Spirituality” Inter-Faith Get Together—a Zoom from Los Angeles in honor of the Season.
It was led by a man who practices Zen Buddhism. The topic was spiritual ways to deal with trauma and loss. As a Caregiver, Trauma and Loss are me. Anyway, I was intrigued when I saw the E-mail and so I Zoomed in from here.
At the beginning of the session, the Leader went around the circle and asked for a check-in. He was asking for a one-to-two-word description of how you were feeling. My first thought was “far-away.” I was feeling “Far Away.”
When called upon to speak during the roundtable, I found it very easy to describe what I meant by feeling far away. Having been encouraged to express these feelings from a Global, Community and Personal level, I began at my beginning—the personal level.
I am feeling “far away” from the life I used to know. I am feeling far away from the life I used to love.
Here as my Mom’s Caregiver, I feel as if I am living someone else’s life far away from everything and everyone. Living here in this Caregiver world seems like a fantasy—a made for TV Movie. A movie which could play in any country in this world. And then my thoughts turned to the world.
I am totally aware of what is going on in the world today, but I am feeling far away from any Global issues at hand. I have my own Caregiving issues that supersede things over which my only control is casting a vote.
And then I am feeling far away from the Communities to which I used to belong. My Friends are indeed further than just a phone call away.
I am feeling far away from the person I used to be. I look in the mirror and I wonder who that person is looking back at me. I take selfies and I see myself, but I feel as if I’m looking at someone I used to be. I lived in LA; I do know how to “strike a pose” and “smile for the camera.”
My “far-away” feelings had come full circle—from me to the world, to the community and back to me.”
I wake up in the morning and I wonder how long I will feel so far away. I go through the day doing things that I’ve never done before and may never do again. I am so far away from the world in which I used to operate. The people in my orbit are far away in character, action, and personality from everyone I call friend. My current habitual behavior is so far away from anything that I would have previously called a habit—good or bad—that I don’t recognize my own actions.
As a Caregiver, I am far away…
Physically, I am 3754 miles away from where I’d rather be–Far Away. I can’t take an UBER back to my Life.
My Friends and chosen Family are as close as a phone call, text, email, or Zoom but Far Away from Hugs. And there really is no such thing as a virtual hug.
Mentally, my thoughts focus on the “Grocery Store,” a TV that blasts, “All Night Long,” “Depends,” “Flushable Wipes,” and “Raisin Bran.” Thoughts that are Far Away from the Corporate World or from Writing Creative Bursts and Blocks.
Emotionally, I am stressed beyond comprehension. Far Away from “Don’t Worry be Happy!”
I am so very Far Away…
And I just want to be a little closer.
“So Far Away” Carole King
“Over the Rainbow” Ella Fitzgerald
“A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE – THE BLOG”
A CAREGIVER’S NOTES ON BEING ME..
“California Dreamin’” Queen Latifah
Your writing is amazing 👏. Pics, Music, and references are all relivant to your intriguing Stories. You work is amazing. I always enjoy reading 📚 your Blogs. Keep on Writing ✍️ 👌 . We will keep on reading and enyoying. Love ❤️ 😍 💖 ❣️ 💕
THANK U! It’s not easy to write so it’s good to know that the stories are appreciated. 😎