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A CAREGIVER’S NOTES ON BEING ME..

August 17, 2022

ON BEING ME…

I used to love being me. Seriously, I really loved being me. And quite frankly, I have always been more than a tad confused why everyone doesn’t feel that way about themselves.

At a very young age, I became my own best friend. I was the only girl in the “2 Boys and a Girl” in our Family.

My Mother was a shining example of a goal-setting individual. And so, I come by it naturally. When I was 6, I wanted to be a Lifeguard; when I turned 16, I became a Lifeguard. Going to the University of Michigan, Making McDonald’s Commercials, Meeting Michael Jackson & Prince, Performing Random Acts of Kindness, Living in California, and Becoming a Writer—were just a few of the items on my teenage bucket list. A list of goals that took me into adulthood and was just recently completed before I became my Mom’s Caregiver. Becoming a Caregiver was NOT on the list.

I have totally enjoyed being me through hard times, good times, bad times, scary times, faithful times, fun times and all the time in between.

Now, that I’m a Caregiver, being me has changed!

Now, I wake up in the morning somewhere that I don’t want to be. I look forward to a day of doing a bunch of things that I don’t want to do. Throughout the hours of the day, I become involved in activities that I would never have missed had they not occurred. And I end my day trying to wind down from another day starring in what really feels like a Made for TV Movie. A Movie about a Caregiver’s Conscience.

“Most people are afraid to Star in their own Movie.”

That is a quote from an Advertising Legend with whom I had the privilege of working. I have been consciously aware of starring in my own movie ever since.

This role as Caregiver, however, has not been a role that I have enjoyed playing. I would really rather not be starring in this movie any longer.

Because the truth is, I am not an Actress; I only play one in my Mind. It helps me to deal with the reality of being a Caregiver.

I don’t like the person that I have become–me as a Caregiver.

I am impatient when I used to be… Ok, I’ve always been a tad impatient.

I am frustrated when I used to be cool, and calm.

I feel inadequate when I have always been confident.

I am lonely although I am hardly ever alone.

I hate to look in the mirror when in my old apartment, instead of Artwork, Mirrors hung on the walls.

I never read when I used to read a book per week.

I sing sad songs more often than songs with a beat that I can dance to.

I watch very odd things on TV. That’s it, no further explanation.

I don’t feel as if I am Being my Best, Looking my Best, or Doing my Best when that always came naturally.