ON BEING ME…
I used to love being me. Seriously, I really loved being me. And quite frankly, I have always been more than a tad confused why everyone doesn’t feel that way about themselves.
At a very young age, I became my own best friend. I was the only girl in the “2 Boys and a Girl” in our Family.
My Mother was a shining example of a goal-setting individual. And so, I come by it naturally. When I was 6, I wanted to be a Lifeguard; when I turned 16, I became a Lifeguard. Going to the University of Michigan, Making McDonald’s Commercials, Meeting Michael Jackson & Prince, Performing Random Acts of Kindness, Living in California, and Becoming a Writer—were just a few of the items on my teenage bucket list. A list of goals that took me into adulthood and was just recently completed before I became my Mom’s Caregiver. Becoming a Caregiver was NOT on the list.
I have totally enjoyed being me through hard times, good times, bad times, scary times, faithful times, fun times and all the time in between.
Now, that I’m a Caregiver, being me has changed!
Now, I wake up in the morning somewhere that I don’t want to be. I look forward to a day of doing a bunch of things that I don’t want to do. Throughout the hours of the day, I become involved in activities that I would never have missed had they not occurred. And I end my day trying to wind down from another day starring in what really feels like a Made for TV Movie. A Movie about a Caregiver’s Conscience.
“Most people are afraid to Star in their own Movie.”
That is a quote from an Advertising Legend with whom I had the privilege of working. I have been consciously aware of starring in my own movie ever since.
This role as Caregiver, however, has not been a role that I have enjoyed playing. I would really rather not be starring in this movie any longer.
Because the truth is, I am not an Actress; I only play one in my Mind. It helps me to deal with the reality of being a Caregiver.
I don’t like the person that I have become–me as a Caregiver.
I am impatient when I used to be… Ok, I’ve always been a tad impatient.
I am frustrated when I used to be cool, and calm.
I feel inadequate when I have always been confident.
I am lonely although I am hardly ever alone.
I hate to look in the mirror when in my old apartment, instead of Artwork, Mirrors hung on the walls.
I never read when I used to read a book per week.
I sing sad songs more often than songs with a beat that I can dance to.
I watch very odd things on TV. That’s it, no further explanation.
I don’t feel as if I am Being my Best, Looking my Best, or Doing my Best when that always came naturally.
I was always my favorite person, the coolest person that I knew, the person with whom I would rather spend time than be alone and now…
I don’t even want to talk to me on the phone.
I don’t like the me that I’ve become. I don’t like the change in me.
This Caregiver version of me is a mere shadow of my former self.
I want to get back to being the me I used to know.
I’m not really a Caregiver, I just play one daily in this Movie titled “This is Your Life!”
(Back to the Movie)
“Mr. DeMille, no Close-ups please, you might see inside my Caregiver’s Conscience.”
“IT’S A WRAP!”
I WANT TO LIVE! – A Caregiver’s Conscience (caregiversconscience.com)
“JUST THE WAY YOU ARE” – Billy Joel
“I’VE GOT TO BE ME” – Tony Bennett
“JUST THE WAY YOU ARE” – Bruno Mars
“MAN IN THE MIRROR” – Michael Jackson
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