MORE LIFE TO LIVE
There are times when I think that I am “wasting my life away” here being my Mom’s Caregiver. It seems as if everyone’s life goes on except mine. While I remain stuck in Caregiving mode.
Yes, I understand that my Mother needs me. Yes, I understand that one day I will treasure these days. Yes, I am grateful that I know that she is fine because she is well taken care of. Yes, even though I don’t think I’m a Caregiving Rock Star, I know that I am providing the Best care that I possibly can. And from what I’ve heard, better care than she would be receiving elsewhere. Yes, I know all of these things.
But…
I want to live my life. I cannot accept that this Caregiver reality is all that I have left. I cannot and will not accept that Caregiving is my life. Just like I knew that those 4 years in High School and College would be cool but certainly not my Best years! The Best Years of My life are always yet to come. And up until Caregiving, I had been having a blast. These Caregiving years are not the Best years of my life simply because…
I have more life to live.
I am single with no children. I want to find my Beshert* and pledge my undying love to him forever. I want to experience the love of my life. Because it certainly wasn’t the guy from High School.
I like to travel, and before Caregiving, I travelled extensively for work that I sometimes turned into pleasure. But I would like to travel strictly for the thrill and sometimes include work. Although Mexico is currently my favorite place on Earth, I have a bucket list of places whose Beaches I would like to visit.
I have places to go and people to see.
I allowed my Marketing career to end when the Advertising Agency I worked for closed. I had a plan to pursue my Writing career. I have wanted to be a Writer since grade school. It’s hard to create a Blockbuster movie, an Award-winning TV Series or an interesting Novel when the dominant thoughts in my head revolve around Caregiving. I have yet to reach retirement age and there is no way that I will claim Caregiving as a career move.
I have more life to live.
As a want-to-be Chef, I have dishes to develop. I love to cook and can amuse myself creating special meals. My Mother’s dietary desires do not often match the meal selections that I would rather prepare.
Most of my Friends live elsewhere. Which is actually ok because I don’t have the time to hang out with them anyway. My Friends and I have adventures and funny stories to share—all best done in person.
I have more life to live.
I have at least one hundred books that I plan to read. I was an avid reader but now I don’t have a lot of time. I also find it extremely difficult to concentrate on the words on the page. Caregiving thoughts and feelings are mind consuming. Reading is one of the casualties of Caregiving.
Sometimes people offer the advice of, “Live each day as if it’s your last.”
I honestly do look for the joy, the peace, the blessings in each and every day. And I believe that each day is a Gift not a promise.
I also know that these Caregiving days are not my last days because…
I have a Soulmate in my Future.
Books to Read and to Write.
Beaches to Explore.
Places to Go and People to See.
I have more life to live!
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD – “UNWRITTEN”
https://youtu.be/cFFBSSntZgs?si=xD7OdQOuiR7sMCgr
A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE PODCAST – “LIFE GOES ON”
https://youtu.be/DgNVdQOaohk?si=0GOUUXDqMY11oCte
A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE BLOG – “A CAREGIVER’S NOTES ON BEING ME”
https://www.caregiversconscience.com/a-caregivers-notes-on-being-me/
A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE PODCAST – “CAREGIVING HAS CHANGED ME”
https://youtu.be/gjE5jmeNRXk?si=M1bQaPboYpKaitEH
*NOTE: “BESHERT or BASHERT” is the Yiddish word for Soulmate/Destiny/Meant to Be
I hear you! It’s like you’re reading my mind. I so want my life back also. I see friends and family enjoying themselves and I feel sad, bitter and resentful. I hate feeling that way but that’s reality. When this journey ends, I will definitely NOT do this again for anyone. Only caregivers understand this. I’m trying to keep myself as healthy as I can so I won’t need a caregiver in my future. At the rate I’m going now, my mother might outlive me because I’m always exhausted!
And I hear U!!! The reason I write this Blog is simply to “tell the others.” I have all the same feelings as you and other Caregivers and I think we all just need to know that our feelings are based on our Caregiver reality. They are not bad, evil or wrong–even though we often feel bad for experiencing or expressing those feelings. When I read your comments, you make me feel better about the way I feel. You are so right–only another Caregiver knows. Thank you.