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the CRYING CAREGIVER

February 19, 2025

the CRYING CAREGIVER

Some mornings, I wake up crying. I literally open my eyes to find tears streaming down my cheeks.

I can’t explain why that happens. The tears are not usually caused by a bad dream others would consider a nightmare. Actually, if I thought more about it, the tears are more likely to occur when I’ve had a pleasant dream. A dream where thoughts other than Caregiving float through my head. And then I am awakened.

I awaken to find that it isn’t a dream. I wake up and realize that the day ahead has already been planned and laid out before me. A day planned by someone other than me. It is a day created by the forces of Caregiving.

Waking up crying is truly not how I want to begin any day. Especially since there is no logical explanation for the tears. And having no reason for crying makes it difficult to figure out how to end the “waterworks.”

And so, I play some music through my earbuds, pray, meditate, write in my journal, do anything—anything to attempt to change my attitude. Sometimes that works.

Mornings are not the only time that I find myself suddenly in tears.

There are times when just one little thing brings water to my eyes. It happens when I look around me and all I see are chores—things that need to be done. Things like empty the trash, deal with Depends, wash dishes, prepare a meal, clean or simply tend to my Mom in some manner. I realize that I have no energy left and I cry. I cry while completing every task that I have to do at the moment. Because if I don’t do it at that moment, I will have to do it later.

My Mother has a nasty little habit of making me cry. I don’t think that she means to do so. It just seems to happen naturally. She doesn’t offer any gratitude or encouragement and most everything that she says sounds like criticism. Criticism—constructive or otherwise when I am doing my absolute best, sometimes drives me to tears.

I have never cried quite so much as I do now. One of my Ex-Boyfriends once had a T-shirt made for me. A T-shirt that he designed especially for me. On the front of the shirt it read, “I don’t cry during Movies.” And the caption on the back written in larger type said, “I only cry at Basketball Games!” It was a really cool T-shirt which described me perfectly at the time. The Los Angeles Clippers were having a particularly bad NBA season that year. I often found tears in my eyes while watching my Team lose over and over and over again. And I was lucky enough to watch live and in person, hence the T-Shirt. If he could only see me now.

Now, I have tears in my eyes more often than not. And my worries are far greater than who’s playing the best defensive game. Especially since I routinely find myself playing defense.

I must defend myself from constantly crying inconsolably. Thinking Caregiving thoughts can easily bring me to tears. If I am not feeling guilty, angry or frustrated, I am worried.

I’m worried that I’m not providing the best care. I worry about what I have to do next, about how my Mother is feeling, and about what is going to happen when I can no longer handle the level of care needed. I worry about my Mom’s medication, health and general well-being. I worry because I am not confident in my Caregiving capabilities. I worry and then I burst out in tears.

When that happens, the tears turn into an uncontrollable fit. I cry and then I cry louder. I sing through the crying which must sound absolutely pitiful. Sometimes my Mother looks at me and asks, “What’s the matter?” And that unanswerable question only makes me cry harder.

Often times, the voice in my head is screaming, “I need a Break! I’m doing this all by myself without any help!” That realization encourages enough tears to “cry me a river!”

At that point there is nothing left to do except “Cry it Out.” Whenever I reach that level, I also try to “Dance it Out!” Eventually, the crying stops and the tears dry.

And I get back to Caregiving.

Caregivers don’t have a great deal of time to waste Crying.

After all, the Clippers haven’t had the worst record in the NBA in years!